- So.. I’m not entirely sure what sparked this little jolt of enthusiastic eagerness- more like a spasm- that unexpectedly had my mind racing with all these possibilities and thoughts, my fingers gravitating towards my computer, itching to to write it all out rightv then and there. I returned home from a busy night at work, preparing o over last night’s performance, flaunting enough Vogue poses in the mirror, maybe a sad attempt at some Beyonce booty moves, but thats about it until the bathroom becomes steamy enough to jump into and wash the night away.
Tonight felt, different. As I stood there, not sure whether it was the glowing of the overhead lamps, giving me this perfection selfie-look lighting; because my hair was looking rather dashing, even after running around at work- probably soaked in a few drops of forehead perspiration- still looking rather cutie with the tails; maybe because my skin for once wasn’t flaring up, and I felt somewhat clear-faced and smooth looking, or because that contour was ON POINT, *toots own horn*, and I was just feeelin this cheeky-bronzed face at the moment, like ‘what up’ to the people; or it could’ve been that I was literally feeling myself in my silk nighttime robe, having a dance and SMILING.
For once, I came home to the same old four walls, the same routine, the same exhausted, drained, warn-out looks given to myself in the mirror, questioning everything about my life within the time it takes to undress, and hop in the shower, and stand aimlessly as the water falls surrounding me, just going through the phases because, I simply have to; for once I looked up in the mirror, staring at myself, and I felt this instant relief. I felt happy. Oddly enough, working the same job with the same surroundings, the same people, I got in my car reminiscing the night, and, I realized I had a really good night. I laughed more than I had in the past couple weeks. I gave a sigh of relief when I came in the door, with a slight smile on my face, just taking a moment to appreciate myself in the slightest.
Now, returning to the bathroom: maybe it did have something to do with the lighting. Being able to *finally* see myself in this light, that I’ve been stood under for so long, and never realizing. Or maybe realizing, but never believing in it. I’ve spent countless nights, having this mindset, that isn’t pitty worthy, but more like, why don’t you realize the signs are right in front of you, ya dingus sort of thing. The amount of times that I’ve felt sorry for myself because I just continued to see myself as a failure, and thinking and feeling I’m incompetent, I’m incomplete. Not worthy of a lot of life’s gifts that have been thrown my way. Regrettably, and still a constant issue I face daily, I’ve wasted so much time not trusting within myself that I am worthy and capable of so much life has to offer. I have so many gifts and talents and skills to utilize and share with the world. Everything has been right in front of me, I just had to believe.
Tonight, and really, lately, something within me has been itching to get out. This little voice inside me has been whispering to me all along, and I’ve finally decided to un-mute it, and take its’ advice. This urgency for achieving greatness. This desire that I’ve been yearning for for so long, has been awakened, and this drive has been put into motion. Tonight I felt free. I felt a burden had been lifted from me that has been aching me for so long, that was necessary to, just put aside for now, and focus on me. For once, I was the center of attention. And I can honestly say I’ve never wanted that in my life before. Tonight was an eye-opener for me, in the best way possible. I felt that this little voice, where ever it has come from, has turned up the lamp that has been dimmed inside me for so long, full blast, and isn’t afraid anymore, isn’t trying to hide itself. One I thought had diminished long ago, and I was just a skeleton of what I used to be. The shining, energetic, happy, bubbly, radiating positivity every which way I went. This is the first time I have felt like myself in a really long time. And I can confidently tell you, that it feels amazing.
It’s not just a new year, its a new way of thinking. Its changing the repetitive patterns, that, once played over and over like a broken record in your head, you beginning to think that ‘this is all its ever going to be’ and accepting that that is your life. Because that’s not how anyone should live. It’s breaking free of those constricting chains that prevent you from reaching your full potential. Its changing the way you view yourself, and your body image. It’s believing you have potential, you can, and you will. It’s believing you are worth it. It’s looking yourself in the mirror everyday and telling yourself you are beautiful until you actually start to believe it. It’s shedding off all that negativity, all those unnecessary layers that kept you from shining; from showing the real you, the one that you and the rest of the world would love to see, not only from time to time, but for, the rest of time. It’s not believing in any negative words that come from others mouths, but believing you are greatness. You are worthy. And you are enough.
I lost sight of myself for a second, and until coming to the surface recently, I never realized how badly in need of air I was. I have neglected my self-worth for so long. Always thinking someone else was better at this and that than I was. Always assuming the job would go to someone else with more criteria, and experience. Always too afraid to put myself out there, and for what- because of the slight chance I would fail, and that’s it. But here and now, I realize how ridiculous that sounds, and I encourage whoever decides to read this, that you should not be living your life like that if this in any sort of way relates to you. Failure should not determine your worth, or what you can and cannot do. If you fail, great, good job; now get up, and resume trying.
‘Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game’ just popped into my head, and now it’s totally true and relatable. Don’t let yourself live in fear, for I fear you’ll just end up living in regret. You don’t want to surpass an opportunity, only to later realize that was something you so desired, and then its too late. I encourage all to take those chances, put yourself out there, do things that inspire you, and ignite that flame form within. Do things, everyday, that make you happy. Go after your goals. Chase them until the end of time. Try, try, try, and try again. And never stop letting yourself shine.
As I’ve gravitated from the bed to the bathroom in reflection; only to realize now, that I feel like my biggest regret in life, isn’t that I’ve failed at this or that, but because I didn’t put myself out there. I didn’t take a chance when I should’ve excelled. I’ve spent so many years in hiding its felt like, not actively trying to hide, but not actively trying to reveal myself to people, to my loved ones, to the world. Admittedly, because of a daily battle with confidence, but I feel that looking back on my life thus far, I’ve come so far form where I was. Being afraid to show my face to the world, not seizing the day, taking any opportunity at life that I possibly could.
It’s been an interesting journey, discovering myself; and still to this day, I am finding out more and more about myself, and I couldn’t be more enthralled. It’s a struggle, I admit, to remember to appreciate everyday that is given to you. To be more and more thankful than the last. To take the time to just be, rather than existing. To exude happiness from all corners of your life. And to truly believe that anything is possible. So to wrap up this sporadic rant; I just wanted to end with this: Life has its twists and turns, and ups and downs. It’s surprising moments, and its this feels like it will never end terrifying moments. Unexpected things happen, relationships grow or the stem becomes too heavy to hold any longer; job opportunities surpass you, or you get the boot from your current; beginning lives, and lives ending; whatever the situation, what matters is how you decide to deal with it. Will you let it eat away at you, and drown you in the current wave you’re riding? Or will you choose to deal with the unplanned, take the information, soak it in, learn from it, grow, rise above, continuing riding the wave, and come out stronger than before?
Anyone has the potential to do anything they set their minds to. You just have to have a little faith. With just a simple turn of programed thoughts, maybe going against the grain for once. Not just a new year new me, well, maybe a slightly shinier version of me. But a new profound hunger, a drive, with a different point of view. Feeling empowered. Feeling courageous, brave. Feeling healthy, and fit. Finally feeling in control of my life, taking over the reigns, and I decide what happens next. And you can do the same.
I felt happy enough, to share this exuberance that has risen from these dark depths and peeled off this false identity I’ve been wearing, or should say wearing me down.
It feels damn good to feel good, and I’m encouraging others to chase after that damn good feeling.
Just a little two cents from my mind thats always fluttering up there. Until next time, when maybe my fingers decide to tempt your tastebuds with some simple whipped up grub from the comfort of your own home.
All the love, and radiating positives. xx