Forgetting my name was the least of my worries today. I caught a the case of the Monday’s on a Tuesday *awkward*
I start with the morning rise out of bed, head to the mirror and gawk, wash face, brush teeth routine. Somewhere between the tossing and turning and the denial of adult life livinug and yawning, I pick some tunes that’ll make me want to get out of bed and move my butt because I have an important interview in a bit and I gotta look wide eyed and bushy tailed, kinda tunes. Starting the day off to a good beat, trying not to make these pre-interview nerves reach surface. Looking good, feeling good, got my road coffee in me and I was good to go..
Not only do I arrive on time, enough dilly-dallying beforehand, I found myself hustling to hurry there. Feeling the jitters I see it’s also a group interview. Not your one-on-one typical. Exactly what you want when trying to make your best self shine. *Le Sigh*. To my baffling surprise, it wasn’t bad as I envisioned. Either a sign for having to deal with what life gives you, or that I’m growing out of my irrational fear of speaking my mind. Either way, it’s a win-win.
A part of the interview was giving feedback, then receiving it. Wondering what mine was? With knees buckling, I put a brave face forward. The interviewer said when she first met me, asking if my name was ‘Anne or Annie,’ which do I prefer. I didn’t have a preference and that had made her uncomfortable. Like I had to of had a preference, why didn’t I just say it..
Never having to question my name before, I mean, I definitely have but, never in that way. It took me the longest time to come into my own growing up. In the way, I never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin. Questioning if I was different and why. Why was I made that way. It didn’t help that I had an old fashioned name, just added to the pressure to be ‘normal.’ I never realized up until few years ago- although the p.o.v. of myself from myself, has definitely been a challenging alteration- that I am the way that I am, and I have to accept that. I have to embrace the me that I am, I was, and will always be. I have to celebrate me, and part of me is my name. One that defines just who I am.
Never had given thought that the mere introduction of myself could give so much insight into my personality. My being. It really took me by surprise, but in the best way. I had honestly never thought of me not caring what people call me to be an issue. But now I realize it is a semi huge one at that. I explained that I had never realized answering could’ve made someone feel odd because of my indecisiveness. I thought that not picking a definitive ‘Anne’ or “Annie(still spelled the same, although adding the ‘i’ for emphasis) gave people an option of feeling out what felt better when coming out, which name stuck to their interpretation, their representation of me.
But never has that thought correlated through my mind. That by defaulting to others’ answers, its just defaulting to their thoughts about me; whether pre-determined or not; rather than letting my name define me, but when spoken, my character just shines through and embraces my being so much, you can’t help but think like, yes, she is definitely Anne. Sort of taking that name along side you, and coining it and making it better suit you, letting yourself define yourself.
It made me really think..
When I finally picked a preference, it was like she could see the joy that overwhelmed my face. That I had shown through. Clearly I had a preference before, so why did it take me this long to justify what I wanted exactly? Identifying with who you are, is your personal statement of not conforming to societal norms. To those who mistake your name and take away your ‘you’ness, to celebrating yourself the best way you know how. You are asserting yourself, and making yourself known. Shining bright with everything that engulfs you. Don’t let someone establish or take that entitlement away from you. Something as small as a name. Define who you are. Find your voice. Find yourself.
Upon that mini epiphany, AND receiving the news I had gotten the job; this gloomy 60 degree weather seemed to turn a little less, while my moves were upbeat and positively radiating. It’s the little things like that, that really make me appreciate the small things about life. The unexpected moments. Try appreciating the small teachings that surround you in your everyday environment, you just may not be aware of them entirely at first. And it makes me even more open to difference of opinions, and accepting criticism, taking in hate and releasing it as love; when dealing with anything in life. Makes me even more eager to learn and gain knowledge of different audiences, and points of view. And moreso, makes me more appreciative of myself, and taking myself in as a whole, being kind and loving every bit of me. Taking pride in my name.
It’s not easy to go through everyday in life with a positive outlook. Sometimes life happens and emotions get involved; but it’s the hard work, and continuous process that you learn and grow from, and that ultimately changes you in the end; resulting in an inevitable positive vibrance.
One that radiated so much so, I was inspired to take advantage of this nice weather and go running outside, even though I wasn’t feeling it this morning, can’t say I was disappointed when I say ‘something had come over me.’ Feeling the energy coursing through me as if felt I was gliding through this run. It felt good. Clear head. I was free. And thats the best possible way to be.
I’ve been attempting to find my zen lately, and although continuously working on my self-journey, trying to motivate others in the process. You can check some recent posts here:http://www.instagram.com/myflutteringmind
Keep on radiating people. Its an effervescent contagion.